The very first thing I am going to do before I get into this first episode is apologize to Brad. I think the dude is in it fo realz this time. He put it all out there for us by reminding us what he did to Deanna and Jenny, telling us what he went through afterwards, where is he now, and where he wants to be at the end of the show. I applaud his inner hard work . . . it could not have been easy. I hope it pays off for him with a wonderful new lady in his life.
The show opens with Brad pretty much laying his emotional guts on the metal table for everyone to view. It was hard to listen to but the truth usually is. Although it was not hard to WATCH because I do appreciate a good pec shot now and again. Especially tanned. With pool water sluicing off as he rises out of . . . uh, oh sorry . . um . . . Still, my heart went out to the guy because he is so very obviously on the show for the right reasons this time. But my generous spirit only goes so far and, as a female, I am skeptical of the motives of any chick on this show.
After he travels back to the Bachelor McMansion and gets his hot sweaty work out on, Brad does a little sit down with Chris Harrison. ahhh Chris Harrison. Master of the Romance Reality Show Hosts. Even ol' Chuck Woolery comes in a far behind second to the suave Mr. Harrison. Back to Brad's pre-intro to the ladies chat with Chris. Once they get the "hey duuuudes" out of the way, Chris (via those sneaky conniving show producers) drops a bomb on Brad. Guess what?!!?! Deanna and Jenny are here! YAY us! You know, I have watched people "go green" and look like they are about to lose their lunch but the look on Brad's face was absolute sheer terror. I've only seen the deer-in-the-headlights look on an actual deer in the road but I can now say that I have actually seen the deer-in-the-headlights look on a human. And it was Brad.
Although Jenny seemed genuinely happy to see Brad and have the opportunity to put a hard life lesson behind her, Deanna looked like she wanted to cut the guy. And was it just me or did the cameras seem to gratuitously keep reflecting off the engagement/wedding rings of both ex-Bachelorettes? Yeah yeah yeah . . . we get it. They have moved on. But we're not here for them. We're here for HIM. Let's keep it moving . . . we have new ladies to meet.
Now . . . let's just talk about those 30 special ladies, shall we? I'm just going to do quick little tidbits about each new Bachelorette as they came out of the limo ('cause that how I did my notes):
Chantal: Aaaaaand let's get it started with a good ol' bitch slap as soon as the first gal to meet him. Frankly, no class with that move. I hope he bitch kicks her to the curb at the end of the night.
Kimberly: Okay, I have no notes about her except "nah" . . . apparently my bag of bbg chips held more interest for me than she did.
Alli: Alli didn't do much better than Chantal with her first remark "I know America hates you." At this rate Brad might not even have TWO worth deciding between. Gawd . . . I hope it gets better.
Ashley S: HERE SHE IS!! Cute little Southern gal after my own heart. Her first remark (and a good one that I myself have used on the simpleminded cowboy a time or two): "You look like a tall drink of water." She seems really sweet although I have my concerns about her maturity.
Meghan: I went blank. All I got was BIG ASS FUGLY PINK SHOES.
Marissa: Apparently her whole life revolves around sports and Brad loves her because of it. Gag. But I did love her dress.
Lindsay: Lindsay gets high marks because she's from Texas (which automatically makes her GD - geographically desirable) and because she's a redhead. My little bit of red comes from Mom . . . wish I'd gotten more.
Ashley H: She's a dentist who dances in knee high socks. I call WINNER.
Raichel: Oh.My.Gawd. The resident manscaper. The doofus actually brought her waxing supplies with her to wax something off Brad. That is just nine kinds of jacked up. I hope she's gone at the end of the night.
Madison: Here she is, folks. The one that is going to shoot this series to the top of the Neilsen ratings! Why? you ask. Because she gonna bring the kRaZy with her what?!?! yes, with her crazy-ass FANGS. oy vey.
Melissa: Immediate dislike. What kind of goober actually runs out of a limo and launches herself into the arms of someone she's never met? Melissa, that's who! Think she's a few bricks short of a full load.
Rene: Rene gives a good first impression but she did seem kind of lost and looking for her parents.
Cristy: An attorney from Florida. All she made me think was, "But aren't lawyers supposed to be SMART?"
Jackie: Arrggh. Awful yellow dress on a very pretty girl. Oh wait. She did the "pinky swear you won't break my heart and I won't break yours." Again, gag.
Okay. Break time. We're only halfway through the introductions but trust me. It doesn't get better from here. Wait. That's not true. There are a couple of good picks coming up but better than there are more that are not.
Can't wait to tell you about 'em!!