So Hubby ordered me a pink (my very girly signature color!) #99 Carl Edwards cap. For those of you not of the redneck persuasion, Carl is a very young, very delicious NASCAR driver (my apologies to his mom since I am the mother of a 2 year-old son and old enough to be Carl's, er, big sister).
Ahem, back to the cap - so Hubby placed the online order about 2 months ago. As of last week, we still had not received it. Hubby shot off an e-mail to Customer Service re: where's my wife's friggin' pink cap? Immediately, within the space of 2 days we received no less than 4 "confirmatory" e-mails stating that the order has 1) been received; 2) been processed; 3) been received for processing to be shipped; and flippin' finally 4) been shipped. Wait, it gets better.
Hubby got the much-anticipated cap package at his office yesterday. Thankfully UPS Man Charlie (honest, that's his name) had already left the building by the time Hubby opened the package. (By the by, Hubby is a big guy who carries a rather large gun; I know - I am a lucky, lucky lady.) Much to Hubby(with the Big Gun)'s chagrin, the package did not only NOT contain the aforementioned highly anticipated pink Carl Edwards cap, it contained some piece of crappola plastic red white and blue visor. Which, if I am not mistaken, had previously been seen on the shelf of the local Super Wally World and it's appearance actually elicited an "Eeeewwwww, so sorry for Carl. That's just nasty ugly!" from myself. And so began Hubby's electronic efforts to GET THAT FRIGGIN' PINK CAP for me.
Upon receipt of the offensive plastic visor, Hubby e-contacted the company (whose name and URL I will be posting post-haste if satisfaction is not completely effected) and proceeded to inquire as to "what the **** ?" After no response to his e-effort at communication (I'm betting a whole 3, ummm, make that 2 minutes), Hubby called said company on the telephone. You know it's bad when in this day and age of e-commerce and the rarity of a human voice on a business telephone that Hubby has to resort to actually dialing the phone to chew on some hapless e-store flunky hiney. I'm really at a loss as to how to convey the absurdity of said telephone conversation except to paraphrase as best I can. Here goes:
Hapless E-store Flunky: Good afternoon, Crappy Cap Company.
Hubby with Big Gun: Yeah, I ordered my wife a pink Carl Edwards cap and today I get a box from you people that has a plastic visor in it. Where's the friggin' pink cap I ordered?
HEF: Well, sir, lemme see, sir. It looks like you ordered a ladies' pink Carl Edwards cap.
HwBG: No s***! Then why'd you send me a piece of crap plastic visor?
HEF: Well, the item number listed on the invoice is for a pink Carl Edwards cap. Why'd you get a plastic visor?
HwBG: That's WHAT I'm callin' about!!! If I wanted a piece of crap plastic visor, I would've ordered one! What I DID order was a pink Carl Edwards cap two months ago!
HEF: Well, sir, if you will just give me your credit card number I will be happy to get that pink Carl Edwards cap out to you ASAP.
HwBG: WHAT?!?!?!!! Are you seriously s***ing me??!?!!!!?? I'm not giving you my credit card number again! Send me the ***ing cap I ordered in the first place and I'll send this crappy visor back to you!
HEF: Well, sir, we have no way of knowing that you will in fact return the visor to us so we will need to charge you for the pink Carl Edwards cap you are ordering today and then once we receive the visor in return, we will credit your credit card for the visor cost after we have deducted the cost of shipping the pink Carl Edwards cap to you for a second time.
(Seriously, I am NOT making this up.)
HwBG: (several, several, SEVERAL deep breaths) Okay, let me get this straight. First, you wait almost two months before completing an order that was charged to my credit card THE day I placed the order online, then you screw up the order by sending me a piece of s*** plastic visor that I wouldn't use to scoop up dog turds, then you tell me that you won't send me the cap I ordered IN THE FIRST ****ING PLACE until I give you my credit card number again so you can charge me twice for the cap I still haven't received ONCE???? Is THAT what you are saying to me?
HEF: Er, yes.
(I'm assuming that this is where Hubby's blood pressure meds are kicking in and earning their keep.)
HwBG: Let me talk to a supervisor.
HEF: There aren't any supervisors here today.
(COWARD! COWARD! You KNOW you are part owner in Crappy Cap Company yet you lack even the tiniest of gonads to own up to it and take the hit for screwin' the pooch on this one!)
HwBG: Thank you. Ker-BLAM!!!! (telephone slamming - not being blown to smithereens.)
So, Hubby gets home last night and regurgitates the Pink Cap Calamity to me. I felt so bad for him because, without my knowledge or request, he set out his sweet self to get me a pink Carl Edwards cap, so while softly patting his back and nodding understandingly I said:
"WAHHHH! I want my pink cap!!"